Belfast surprises first-time visitors with its wealth of world-class attractions, but as with any city that welcomes tourists, it’s the people who make the place buzz. A little bit of inside information helps to make the experience all the more enjoyable, so here are 10 things (of many) you might not know about the Northern Ireland capital that make me smile – and one that makes my blood boil.
1. Celebrity barman Mick
In the 37 years he’s been pulling pints in Belfast’s most famous and beautifully ornate pub, The Crown, barman to the stars Michael Cosgrove has become friends with some of the biggest names in film, TV, music and sport.
Not that he’s given to bragging about his multi-millionaire mates, but he usually starts conversations with: “As I was saying to Brad / Bruce / Shania / Ringo / Rod / Sir Alex just last week…”
A few years ago, Michael, whose favourite film is A Fistful of Dollars, thought it would be a good idea to get gold caps on his eye teeth. He should have known better – by teatime the next day, the regulars had nicknamed him A Mouthful of Money.
The Crown, which dates from 1826 and is owned by the National Trust, is a listed building inside and out, so not one bit of its historical frontage or fittings can be altered – they can’t even change a lightbulb without permission.
There’s talk of sticking a preservation order on Michael too, because the place wouldn’t be the same without the nicest, smiliest barman you could ever wish to meet.
2. What about ye?
This is the Belfast version of Dublin’s “Howya?” and “Story, bud?” and is usually followed by “mucker” when a man is being addressed and “love” when it’s a woman. (A contrary individual I know refuses to say “Peace be with you” to his neighbours in mass – he says “What about ye?” instead.)
Other everyday Belfast phrases include “Wind yer neck in” (shut up), “Catch yerself on” (stop acting the eejit), “Here’s me – wha’?” (an expression of shocked disbelief) and “Ats us nai” (job done, time for a pint).
Statements always end in “So I am”, “So it is”, “So we are” or something similar, as in: “I’m foundered [freezing] waiting for that bus, so I am, it’s Baltic, so it is, we’re away, so we are – mon love, we’ll get a black cab, so we will.”
By the way, Belfast people really do say: “Whit’s the sichee-ayshin?”
3. Wee this, wee that and wee the other
Everything in Belfast, no matter the size, is wee, including aged parents – it’s utterly endearing to hear a man in his 50s refer to his minuscule mother as “My wee mummy” and his six-foot-four father as “My wee daddy”.
I once heard a woman in CastleCourt shopping centre ask her little granddaughter: “D’ye need a wee wee-wee, wee love?”
If you return from Santa Ponsa with a bit of a tan, you’ll be asked: “Were ye away on yer wee holidays?”
“Wee buns” has nothing to do with scones, it means easy-peasy, as in: “That crossword in the Belfast Telegraph this mornin’ was wee buns, so it was.”
Sometimes “wee” backfires. I know a barman in Dublin who, when asked by a visitor from Belfast for a “wee pinta Guinness”, presented him with a shot glass of the black stuff with a perfectly formed head and said: “There ye are, now – a wee pint.”
4. Bittles bar
Owner John Bittles has been described as the grumpiest man in Belfast (even grumpier than Van Morrison) and is often compared with Basil Fawlty, but those who know him well put his bluster down to mischief. Others aren’t so sure.
If you want to see a human volcano erupting, ask Mr Bittles for a pint of tap water – and stand well back.
“They’re walking in – complete strangers, randomers – and telling me they want a pint of water,” he rants. “Then there’s the coffee drinkers and the Coke drinkers and the half-pint drinkers. Well, I’ve had enough. I can’t take it any more. I’m retiring.”
After 50 years in the bar trade, he’s moving at the end of the year to Donegal, where a shopkeeper recently got a taste of what’s to come. John was in buying groceries and remarked to the girl behind the counter that the windows could do with a wipe. “Oh, really? Well, wipe them yourself,” she said, and that’s exactly what he did – there’s a video of him busy with a soapy sponge to prove it.
5. It’s the way they tell them
My all-time favourite Belfast joke, told by the late, great Frank Carson (see No 8, below), is about two ducks flying over the city, and one says: “Quack, quack.” And the other says: “I’m going as quack as I can.”
My second-favourite concerns the family taking their new infant to be christened, and the priest asks the daddy: “And what are ye going to call this beautiful baby boy?” And the daddy says: “Nathan.” And the priest says: “Ah, now, ye’ll have to call him somethin’.”
And then, of course, there’s the automatic response from every Belfast person when asked about the ill-fated ‘unsinkable’ Titanic, which was built by Harland & Wolff: “Well, it was all right when it left here.”
Speaking of Harland & Wolff, the shipyard’s two giant yellow cranes, Samson and Goliath, bear the big black initials “H & W” on their gantries. All over the world, gullible people who have visited Belfast believe the letters stand for “Hello & Welcome”, because that’s what they were told, probably in a pub.
6. Billy Scott’s black-cab tours
Billy is a natural storyteller, and half the stories he tells are true. The other half should be taken with a pinch of salt, but they aren’t half entertaining.
No visit to Belfast is complete without a magical history tour in the back of Billy’s black cab, where passengers learn that everything that was worth inventing – including Milk of Magnesia – was invented in the city by the Lagan.
His most popular yet poignant itinerary (no tall tales on this one) takes in the loyalist and nationalist neighbourhoods that witnessed some of the worst atrocities of the Troubles.
But even as Billy recounts the horrors that were inflicted on both communities during 30 years of murderous sectarian violence, there’s still time for a welcome moment of Belfast humour to lighten the mood, if only for a few seconds.
As he drives past the Cupar Way peace wall (you can get out and write a message on it) after visiting the loyalist Shankill Road, he tells his passengers: “Now folks, we’re about to enter the nationalist Falls Road and I’m a Protestant, so for the next hour don’t call me Billy, call me Liam. OK?”
7. Sawers deli
When you’re running low on caviar, the hottest sauce on earth or Italian Drunken Bastard cheese, this Aladdin’s Cave of exotic foodstuffs is the place to stock up.
If Mrs Bucket lived in Belfast (on Malone Road, of course), she would buy all the charcuterie, cheeses, quiches, chutneys and pickles for her candlelight suppers from Sawers and make sure the neighbours knew where she’d been shopping.
The deli counters leave customers wide-eyed and slavering, such is the mind-boggling and mouth-watering array of locally produced and imported foodstuffs on display.
If it’s a nice day, Sawers has everything you’ll need for a picnic in Botanic Gardens, or if you just want to sit outside the shop and watch the world go by, the freshly made sandwiches are the best on this island.
My favourite is the cheese and onion ciabatta stuffed with shredded Irish BBQ roast beef, mature Irish cheddar, rocket and red onions dribbled with spicy chipotle sauce. It’s called the Belfast Alligator, but don’t be tempted to say “And make it snappy” when you order one – they’ve heard it a million times.
8. The Executive Barbers
Frank Carson (see No 5, above), who lived in England for decades, was a regular customer on his trips back home to Belfast, and the barbers will tell you he borrowed all his best gags from them.
One of the lads said: “Frank would come in for a haircut, which should be a 15-minute job, but he’d still be here an hour later, doing his sit-down comedy routine, and we’d all be in stitches. His ears were nearly in stitches a few times as well – you shouldn’t make people laugh when they’ve got scissors in their hand.”
Established in 1967, this is a no-nonsense traditional gents’ barbers where a short back and sides costs £17 (€20), which includes all the latest Belfast gossip and at least half-a-dozen jokes.
Here’s one I came away with when I went in for my two-monthly trim the other week. A guy’s strapped to the electric chair and the prison officer asks him if he has any last requests before he throws the switch, and the guy says: “Aye, I’m scared, will ye hold my hand?”
9. The Ulster fry
This is the Northern Ireland version of the full Irish, but to bean, or not to bean, that is the question. No way, I say, and last year’s Ulster Fry world champion Stephen McDonald, the head chef at McKee’s Country Store and Restaurant in Newtownards, agrees, so there.
Both cooked breakfasts-cum-hangover cures appear very similar – there’s the fried egg (never scrambled or poached), sausages, bacon, white pudding, black pudding, half a grilled tomato, maybe some mushrooms and optional baked beans, plus toast on the side.
But look again and you’ll see the magic ingredient that lifts the Ulster fry head and shoulders above its southern cousin – potato bread triangles. When manna from heaven rained on Moses and the Israelites in the desert, it was only because God had run out of potato bread.
The best Ulster fry in Belfast is served in the three Maggie May’s cafes – on Castle Street, Botanic Avenue and Malone Road – and Graffiti on Ormeau Road.
10. Belfast Grand Central Station
The Enterprise train from Dublin Connolly used to arrive at Belfast Central, which was a bit of a misnomer as you then had to walk 20 minutes into town or jump on a bus, so after years of complaints from passengers it was renamed Belfast Lanyon Place.
The new Belfast Grand Central Station, which is only weeks away from completion, really is central, so there will be no excuse for moaning when you step off the train from Dublin in future.
Meanwhile, and until “early autumn”, when the new rail and bus hub opens, the Newry-Belfast-Newry leg of the journey between Connolly and Lanyon Place on the Enterprise will be covered by a substitute coach service.
That’s a short-term inconvenience, but you can’t please everybody. A wag who spends half his days in The Crown bar and the other half in McLean’s bookies next door doesn’t like the name of the fancy new transport facility: “Belfast Grand Central, ye say? If ye ask me, they’re getting ideas above their station, so they are.”
…and one thing about Belfast that makes me mad
Titanoraks (brilliant name) come from all over the world to visit the multi-award-winning Titanic Belfast visitor attraction. Its exterior is fantastically futuristic and the experience inside is fascinating.
However, somebody thought it would be a good idea to build a massive apartments complex on land right beside it, meaning the view of the city’s No 1 tourist draw from across the river will soon be obscured.
The new waterside development will include 627 build-to-rent and 151 affordable homes across three towers of between 11 and 17 storeys high. Titanic Belfast is six storeys.
The city is growing and new homes are, of course, badly needed, so in that respect the new project is a good thing. However, there’s plenty of development land in Belfast – couldn’t they have found somewhere else?
I saw Titanic Belfast taking shape from when it was just a huge hole in the ground until it opened on March 31, 2012. It was, and has remained, a sight to behold, and it will be a shame to see it disappear.
*For more information on Belfast’s visitor attractions, hotels, restaurants and bars, see visitbelfast.com and discovernorthernireland.com
Tom Sweeney Travel Writer 